Posers

For all you posers...

So why is it that you have to pretend to be someone you're not? Eventually, the true you will come out any way, so why not start as the person you are, find people who actually like you for who you are, and be you? Isn't it better for you to know that people to hate you because you're you and not because you pretend to be you? Why can't you freaking just be yourself and stop being the ghetto poser that you are.

I don't know you well, but it bothers me to know that you talk shit about me and what i do with myself, when you don't know me well either! Yeah, I shouldn't care, but the thing is, I DON'T EVEN KNOW YOU THAT WELL. I don't talk shit about you because I respect you. You have never done anything until now to loose my respect for you. I was always nice to you and yet, you have shown what I see to be selfishness. Whatever, cause people live their lives the way they want. And if you want to talk shit about my lifestyle...DO IT!

I love the way I am, the way I speak, the way I express, and the way I think. So like me or not, I'm here. So i have nothing more to say about this. But remember, you can't be someone you're not. If you try...you'll be a poser. A freaking poser.

"Midnight Masquerade" - EVHS Prom

So prom was yesterday. What a hectic day...

Tinh woke me up ariund 8 because we needed to go run errands. He picked me up around 9 and then we went to the gas station to pump so oil, then we went to the mall to try to find me some jewlrey. (The day before I had recieved my diamond plugs in the mail, but they were 6g and i'm 8g so I coudln't wear em) I thought the mall would be opened at 9am on Saturdays but I guess I was wrong. They opened at 10 so we waited around. Then I saw Kaneeks at starbucks with her hair all did and she volunteered to wait with me and then take me to my hair appointment at Bobby K after we were finished. Tinh then left and then picked up our flowers and he got ready.

Kaneeks and I shopped around and instead of plugs, i just put diamond studs in my ear. It really hurt and itched so don't do it if you have gages. Anyways, so then we went to Frederick's to get a ... fuck i just forgot the word but you put it around your thigh. When we went in, this weird dude was walking around smiling around the store, so we went out and bounced. Kanika took me to my hair appointment at 1030, where I met up wit Mimi and I saw Amy, Tiffany, Sammy, Sarah, and Kevin. I forgot an updo picture so I just told them what to do. It took about an hour and Tinh took me back to Daisy's after for make up.

When I got to Daisy's, she was still at her hair appointment and Tinh had to meet the Limo guy at 12 at the Corinthian so he left me at Daisy's. I waited for her and she finally came home. She had to do Kanika, Annie, and my makeup. So she did it and it was really really good.

Then I went to take studio pictures with Tinhathan. It was fun. They were like .."Are you guys boyfriend girlfriend?" We're like "Uhhh...no best friends." haha it was funny. SO then we rode around in the limo, went to the Corinthian at 2 to meet up with the boys, but all of them came late like at 3. Then we went to the Biltmore to pick up the girls. It was so squishy in the limo. I was sitting on the foor with Alyson most of the time anyways. Ohh well it was fun saying hi to people on the freeway.

Next, we went to take pictures at Dolce Hayes Mansion, where we soon got kicked off. And we we went back to the Corinthian to take pics. Everyone looked good.


After we went to eat at McCormick and Schmitz under the Fairmont in downtown San Jose. Yummy but expensive. There was an anime convention the same day. And Alyson seemed to know ALOT of anime people. She even took a picture with one. ahaha.

Then it was prom time. We got to eat dessert, do charactures, and dance. I had a lot of fun. The after party was aiight. But we just went home early around 2. Nonetheless, prom was totally worth it.

Hate That I Love You

That's much I love you (yeah)
That's how much I need you (yeah, yeah, yeahah)
And I can't stand ya
Most everything you do
Make me wanna smile
Can I not like you for awhile (no... oh...)

Cuz' you won't let me
You upset me girl
And then you kiss my lips
All of a sudden I forget (that I was upset)
Can't remember what you did

But I hate it...
You know exactly what to do
So that I can't stay mad at you
For too long that's wrong

But I hate it...
You know exactly how to touch
So that I don't want to fuss... and fight no more
Said I despise that I adore you

And I hate how much I love you boy (yeah...)
I can't stand how much I need you (I need you...)
And I hate how much I love you boy (oooh whoah...)
But I just can't let you go
And I hate that I love you so (oooh...)

And you completely know the power that you have
The only one that makes me laugh

Sad and it's not fair
How you take advantage of the fact
That I... love you beyond the reason why (why...)
And it just ain't right

One of these days maybe your magic won't affect me
And your kiss won't make me weak
But no one in this world knows me the way you know me
So you'll probably always have a spell on me...

What Did I Do?

So I finally told you last night. And it being your finals week and my prom week, it was not a good thing. It's probably the worst time to tell you but I couldn't hide it from you anymore. And I'm partially glad I told you. But now...

What do we do? What do I do? What can we do? What should we do? What is there to do? Why did I do it? Why didn't I hide it? Should I have said it? Is this wrong?

What did I do?

UCR

This weekend my parentals and I took a trip down to Riverside to visit UCR. Let me tell you that San Jose may feel hot as hell, but I feel hella bad for those cows in SoCal that have to endure the 100+ degree heat. Seriously, it was smokin down there. 102 degrees, a tour guide told me. Fuck...that's a downer.

Anyways, so from Bakersfield, which is 3.5 hours from San Jose, it's another 3 hours from Bakersfield to get to Riverisde, making a total of about 6.5 hours from San Jose to Riverside. Quite a long way from my parents when I really think about it. But then I think, San Diego's a little farther. Nonetheless, it's hot and far. So we got there around 1230pm and hung around until our tour started. As we toured the campus, I realized that though it was a nice looking, smallish school, all the construction really hurt my views on the campus itself. But my dad says construction is good cause that means they get a lot more money and is trying to expand. Alot of the construction, however, will be done by the time I go there in the fall, if I decide to go. So, I'm looking foward to that. I really like the mountains that surround the school itself. It makes it very isolated-ish, but I dislike it because it looks like we're in a desert.

So we continued the tour, and it was NOTHING like Merced, where everything was new but not enough trees. There were lots of trees and such. And there were also PEOPLE around. The dorms were pretty and it seemed as if there were ALOT of minorities (I don't know if that's a good thing or bad thing). The tour guide told me that UCR was 1st in Cali to have the most diverse campus and 3rd in the nation for that too. So, I guess that's a good thing. The day I went they were having their Spring Splash where all these different artists come to play and stuff. Bone Thugz and Harmony and The Pack were there. So that's a plus cause they have things like that every quarter! Haha.

As a conclusion, I guess UCR isn't a bad school. Though people don't hear about it much, it's still around and people should really look into it. I mean, it's not FULLY developed yet, but it's 50 years old! Yes, they do accept mostly everyone but they're trying to make a name for themselves I guess. Overall, I like UCR. I don't know why some people look at it as a crappy UC. It's still a UC and it's nice. Yeah, if I had the choice I'd go to another UC, but I got accepted to UCR with, I'm sure, a whole bunch of other people, and I might as well take my opportunity to go there. Foreal though, UCR is NOT ALL for the rejected. There's an 11 year old kid there, and out of all colleges, he picked UCR. So tell me why some people think it's still shit. There are some really cool facts about UCR. And, if you took the time to hear about it, I'm sure it'd catch you attention too. I'm not telling people to go there and that it's the best school ever. But it's really not as bad as everyone thinks. Anyways, I like it and I'm looking foward to visiting it again.

SlipNSlide Fun

For the last two days, I've been SlipNSliding with my homies =) And tanning cause prom's rolling around and I LOVE DARK, unlike Daisy who likes baby powder.

On Wednesday, Scotty, me, Kanika, and Daisy were tanning outside my house. Well, just me and Scotty. The other two went "shade tanning" which Daisy considers fun. Haha. At first it was supposed to be a car washing party, but I was the only one who washed my car. Whatever. I got dark. Then around 7 we went to eat Sushi and Shin Sushi, which is the best sushi place ever. (It's on Blossom Hill next to Sports Authortity).

On Thursday, BJ, Steph G, and I went to Oakridge and it was FUCKING HOTT. So I just randomly decided to buy a slipNslide for $30 bucks, which is totally worth it cause it has a shark head, and have my fun. Scotty, me, BJ, Daisy, and Shanelle were slipNsliding for a few hours and it was hella fun.

On Friday, I invited more people, and went slipNsliding again. But only Daisy, Reg, Scotty, me, Meg, and Steph played. That's okay cause everyone will be jealous of our new tans and our fun times of sliding on our backs. Haha. We got HELLA dark. Well at least me and Steph did. Next time I invite you, you better come because you missed out on the last two times:

INDEPENDENT

Today I got home and had a "tanning/car washing" party with Kanika, Daisy, and Scotty. Well, I was the only one who washed my car and Scotty and I were the only ones who tanned. Yah gotta tan beffore prom =) I'm super excited. Can you believe it's only one week away? Anyways, we went to Shin Sushi after cause we were craving sushi. It was fun. Oh..and to my babygirl Daisybelle. I'm proud of you. You actually did it! You got passed all that fear and just went in for the dive. I'm glad you come to me, no matter what I say and do to make it seem like you're uneducated about the aftercare but I love you and will always be there to answer your questions. Even if it's 2 in the morning. But too bad I wansn't there to witness it, but don't worry. Pain = Pleasure = Rebellious, which means you're gonna be back to the place soon. Haha. Conmigo y tu hermana.

Lately, I've been just chillin. I hang out with a lot more people, which is good. And I've noticed that I've been very positive about life lately. But I must admit, that I feel like what I'm doing is a mistake. I mean, I'm high maintanance when it comes to relationships, and he knows that. But no one else understands it. I need attention and such. And right now, I'm trying to get over it and become a new me.

I say "If we're meant to be, fate will bring us back together." You say, "If we're meant to be together, we'll be friends forever." We've talked about all this lately, and I love how people misunderstand our relationship right now. It feels like we're so complicated to other people, but we really have secrets that get us through and helps us solve each other's "puzzle", like the rubrics cube =). It does surprise me that we can be so close, yet so far from each other at the same time. "How do you guys do it? I mean, you're dating and he's not." Well, it's for us to know, and you to hopefully find out. Cause that's the TRUE definition of LOVE, independence, friendship and trust.

Tomorrow I have to tan again :) Oh, and Stephanie, look for a job.

AP Tests & Awkward Turtles

Yay for AP tests! Not. On Monday was Gov't and Tuesday was Stats...Honestly, I don't know how I did. So don't ask. I'll just lie to your face. But we started Stats HELLA late. It got me kinda mad and unmotivated, I'll tell you that.

On to more emotional shit. I don't know how to feel about you. I feel like it's not right and I feel like it's...Grrr... It's really hard to explain without saying too much.... And the situation you put me in is so awkward. I feel like an awkward turtle. =/ I don't know what to do. So I make a vow to figure it out by the end of next week.

Oh, someone, please shoot me.

The Empire Ballroom - Bellarmine Prom

So last Saturday was the day. THe day of Bell's prom. I was uber excited cause I gotta chill with my babygirl, Joshie, and Steve for the night. I got ready around 2. I went to the Evergreen Beauty College, and they weren't as good cause they dind't have Hoy. This lady did my hair and she couldn't speak english so it made me mad that she had no idea what she was doing. So I just told her to curl it. I did my own hair at the end. Oh! And I asked them to paint my nails. And for $2 bucks, I'm thinking that there beauty college has a WIDE selection of colors. So i'm like, I'm here already, so might as well. I sit down, and the lady goes "okay what color?" And she pulls out like 3 COLORS! Purple, clear and like this greenish. I'm like uh..any other colors? She pulls out some sparklies but I just go with purple. Whatever.

Anyways, so Josh picks me up around 4:45 and we head back to his house to take some pics. He was so cutee in his white tux and he actually came in my house to get me. What a gentleman... So we get there, take some pics and head over to Steves. And might I add that his parents are the cutest! Hahaha.

Okay, so we get to Steve's and take some more pics and we head out in his CONVERTIBLE SPIDER. Yeah. Better than a limo...! So we put the hood down and it starts to mess up our hair so we were like, whatever put it back down. We put the hood down until we almost go to the school and we were BALLIN` up to the campus. Ha.

We get in, mingle, find our table, take pics, and gamble for a while. Then it was DINNER TIME! They had yummy salad, lasagna and desert. There were hella white girls up in there though, but go figure. They had on their nice ass dresses like they had 5 of them and it was nothing. Whatever. I had fun, even though the DJ sucked balls. He was playin like country and techno and 5 seconds of Hip Hop. Lame sauce. But me and Joshie had fun dancing to techno music. haha I guess... But I've never in my life seen girls dance line dancing at a dance... EVER. Is it even legal in California!? JK, don't line dance me to death now. It's okay though cause I had a great talk with Josh. Yeah, we make a pretty damn good team.

It's okay, admit that we're fly.

Senior BBQ

Yesterday was the senior BBQ and the panoramic picture. Yay, we finally got a panoramic, since we got it taken away in 8th grade! Well my day started off in Leadership, which I actually went to for the first time in decades since its boring cause we aiint ASB no more. Haha. Then Trav, BJ, Steph, Bryant and I went to Jamba. I learned today about Swishers and they're yummay. Tastes just like a hookah. Then came the panoramic. We actually got there on time and I saved spots for the group, but they kinda came late. Our whole senior class had to try and squeeze into this hella small space. Hmm...squishy! It was fun cause me, Daisy, and Ray were on the stairs and took pictures!

Then we went to the field after for Field Day, which we got taken away in 8th grade too. We watched people play games and shit. Alot of people just sat around listening to music and waiting for the BBQ to start. It was so much better than the theatre, you have to admit.

JL and the Ladies.

ASB-reunited and it feels so good.

Anyways, then we volunteered to serve food, which was fun. I got to give chicken out. Yummy. I liked the food despite what others said about it. Anyways, it was fun. I went up to see DylDyl after and he had ice cream but I was too full to eat it. =( Boo. Anyways, yeah, that was the day. Tomorrow is Bellarmine's prom. Hope to see how it turns out. Yay!

Honestly...

So lately me being a good liar has backfired on me. I guess bragging about it really came back to haunt me. I got caught going to Frisco instead of SB with Daisy by my phone record, I ditched and said I was really late to class and my dad emailed my teacher and found out, and I'm just getting in more trouble as college time rolls around the corner.

My dad says I have a cumpulsive lying disorder, which is a disease that I should rid myself of. Okay, if that's what will prevent me from getting into more trouble, I admit it. I have a cumpulsive lying disorder. And...truthfully, I'm ashamed and not proud of it now that I think about it. But who made me think lying is okay? All the people around me. You hurt me, I hurt you. That's how life is now...And I'm going to take a step to admit it and change it.

As we continue to float about on the boat of honesty, I must say that honestly...I really have no clue what I am doing with my life as of now. Fun, yes. But c'mon now, I'm a senior. I'm an adult. Should I be more adult-ish? Should I stop fucking around like a little girl? I don't wanna grow up!! I love to have my share of fun. Living my I-N-D-E-P-E-N-D-E-N-T LIFE is satifying. Not the best, but coping and living it like I should. But does being independent mean being childish? Isn't independence a sign of adulthood? .... ???

Babylove, we don't talk anymore. You got what you wanted, I got what I wanted. So...should I feel guilty for the situation we're in now? I wish we had that friendship....a REAL friendship. Honestly, we don't have a real friendship. YOU know what we have. Don't deny it. I don't know what to do. Don't you ever wonder about everything? Don't you ever just think and say "Wow, we fucked up." Cause I do...all the time now.