She's Slowly Emerging

I love you. You know that. And now it's clear and plain to see that we are really moving on and going onwards with it. Seems so artificial, this little seperation. I'm still not totally used to it. It still feels like I should be calling you more often, seeing you more often, and talking to you more often. As for you, I can tell that you are trying just as hard as me to make me happy, even though I killed you, emotionally. Yes, it breaks my heart. And I'm sure, as you also told me, that it breaks yours. You know a lot more than I tell you. You know what's going on with me even if I deny it. But the fact of the matter is, that we are best friends, so why do we have to change EVERYTHING? Why is it wrong to do the things we used to do together? Is going out considered wrong because of it. You know what I'm talking about... Cause eating dinner seems to be. And, I told you how I felt about it all. And no I am not "angry". I am simply trying to do the same as you---cope to the new changes that we have agreed to take part in. I am trying to be the same person, yet at teh same time, change the little things about me that you always told me were making me...weak. I guess in a sense, I am because I let those things get to me. But, for you and myself, I'm going to make myself strong, but this time...alone. I want to thank you for doing something that you did not agree with but supported me in. You taught me to do that...which brings me to my next discussion,

YOU. You know I'm talking to you. I confronted you about this already but I have a lot more to say. I trusted you and trusting people is a hard thing for me. You and your actions have given me the mentality that it's okay to hurt people. It's okay to tell your best friends secrets that your closest girl friend has told you. It's okay for you to sit there, and tell her that you "don't know what to say except 'sorry'" with a smirk on your face the whole time. The whole time I was looking at you, you made absolutely no eye contact. You looked like a different person. Someone that I dind't know. It's funny cause I really thought you were someone I could really trust. Now it's not that way because I have a reason to not trust you. But I will not do the same to you, I just want you to know. I'm not like that. You know, it took me guts to go to your house even if you were mad at me and ask you politely what you said. And it pisses me off that you lied...AGAIN, when I asked you if you told anyone. You lied until I told you to stop lying because I knew. Really, can't you just fess up? But then you did. And you know, I stayed freaking calm the whole time which is very unlike me, especially when someone tells someone my secret and paints a portrait of me that is not me. You painted a piece of shit when I'm really not like that. Speaking of paintings, maybe you can give me my birthday present the way you percieve me. Oh, you know it wasn't beneficial to me, I did it to help you out, which makes YOU seem like a fool. And telling people the way you did, make you seem like a bigger fool. But it was okay to me, because I can't go back and change what you did. All i can do is accept your apology and move on with my life. It's just a ditch in my road, and I'm not about to let YOU chip off the pavement.

But I want to thank you for confirming that people are full of shit and they should never be trusted, even if their facade of the perfect friend is apparent and overriding your thoughts of "Oh, this person is like every other. I'll give them a chance." You are truly, truly, one in a million. Oh, and thanks for making me realize, I'm pretty much a great motherfucking friend and that I would never ever do what you have done to me to anybody. It's not worth it in any way.