Ditching Starts with D's.

Note to self...

NO MORE DITCHING FOR THE REST OF THE YEAR AND RAISE YOUR GRADES.

really though...parent connect is totally sneaky. My parents know my every move at school. Isn't that like invasion of privacy or something? Anyways, in a way I guess parent connect is a good thing or I'd be in court by now. Truancies are no no's. My car, my phone, and my life will be stripped of me and I will be left as a corpse. SO NO MORE DITCHING STEPHANIEASHILEY.

ps. i love TTTN, bfflpm
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MustBeNice.mp3 Lyfe Jennings
Must be nice
Having someone who loves you despite your faults
Must be nice
Having someone who talks the talk but also walks the walk
Must be nice

Prom Stress

This whole week I've been staying up till midnight searching for that perfect prom dress that fits my budget. Let it be known that I am paying for my own prom. Reasons are confidential. Anyways, so I saw this dress that I so desperately wanted at Bay Area Bridal but it was $300 not including alterations. Now, I know prom is suppose to be a girl's ultimate time to spend money on a dress that they will never wear again, but really...it's unrealistic to me to spend that much money on a dress I can and will only wear once. And that's only the dress. According to my mathamatical calculations, prom for a girl is approximately $400 with a cheap dress! That's hair, makeup, nails, shoes...etc. For me, I don't work, I don't slut myself (which would fall under work) so I have no money. Therefore, I tried looking for a cheap dress. But nonetheless, that dress was so gorgeous. It was gold with gems and zebra print a little. But, not in my budget, and not in my size. (Shorties, y'all know how that is.)

But today I found the perfect dress. Well, Bella did, but it's still perfect. IN my budget, in my color, and in my size. With alterations, I'd say it was about $200 and yes, you will say but that's only $100 more for your dream dress...BUT ITS $200 FOR A DRESS I'D WEAR AGAIN! It's not satiny, or silky, or velvety, or gemmy...It's just pretty. =) I love it!

I got hair appt, make up appt, limo and dinner done. I gotta email the guy from the limo though (NOTE THAT). But I'm so excited cause I'm not spending as much with my dress. I got mostly cheap shit. I think that no matter what dress you get for prom, you can make it fit prom with a good hairdo and some fly shoes. Ya just gotta pull it off perfectly. Hopefully, I will. I'm really excited for prom. Especially to see how everyone looks... Well, we'll see whatts up when the time rolls around. Now, I'm stress free. Well, except the money part. I'm selling lollypops!!!

My Prom Surprise

So, Monday Bella had asked me to go help her out with a prom surprise that she was gonna do for someone on Wednesday. Of course, being the best friend that I am, I agreed. But it was odd to me that when she asked me, Jeff kept going, "What time are you going? When will you be back? No not Wednesday!" But stupid little me, I thought it was nothing.

Then comes Wednesday, today, and she told me she'd pick me up around 3 but we'd have to pick up the keys from a friend. Three rolls around and she goes, okay I'm coming at 4 because I have to get more stuff. Now, I'm looking at her away message which says "Hanging out with ______" and I'm like...That's funny cause she's gonna ask him today so she must be tricking him or something. Another stupid act right in front of my eyes. She calls me and tells me she forgot her camera so I was like okay I"ll bring mine. But when I got into the car, there were no balloons or anything. So I figured she dropped them off, but stupid me. So she goes "We still have a lot to do, I have to blow up more balloons." And I say "What time does he get back?" And she responds with 530. It was 430...so between 1 and 430 she hung out AND got ready? Now it all comes to me... She's a good liar. But I believed her cause I'm really oblivious, so she says.

She picks me up and we go to Hillstone Park. SHe calls this "friend" and says where are you?! And I guess he said something like "I'm not here yet" because we had to get out of the car and wait for him by the globe. Now it makes me think...why the globe...so specific, if he was on the way...shouldn't we have waited by the car so we could go...Oblivious. Then I skip around as she sits down on the bench and i look at the kites and the little tundras down below. Moments later, Daisy goes "Stephanie...What's that over there on that hill?" And I see two half naked boys, which were Raj and JEffrey...holding a sign but I wasn't paying attention to it. "Naked people!" I said. Bella goes "No...THE SIGN" and I'm like..."Prom? Who's getting asked to Prom?" And Joshua jumps out behind me and says "WIll you go to prom with me?" Being the nice person I am I agree.. =D.

I turn to Daisy and say "Why didnt' you record it?!" But then that'd be weird...Anyways, now all the clues are coming back to me. They told me I was looking directly at them when I was walking, but I guess they are really good camoflaugers cause I did not see them. And Daisy is a good liar cause I did not know at all...

After Steve, Josh, Me, and Daisy went to Vallco for tux's. I pretty much said the dumbest thing there along with Josh so Steve and Daisy are gonna nominate us for Bellarmine's Most Oblivious Couple :) SOunds terrific!

Some pictures ... Click on them for a zoom.

Dance in Stockton

Wow. Stockton was fun. SoulFresh attended a competition called Breakthrough in Stockton at UOP and got 2nd place. When we first went, we felt so out of place because we were the only ones from San Jose. Haha, but don't let our quietness fool you because we're BEASTS! We got 2nd, and could not ask for more. Peoritocs totally deserved first !. We met a lot of people too! We met SickStep...Be jealous. Haha. And Richie Natural Bboy and I are friends aha. Yeah, he's the one in the beginning of "So You THink You Can Dance"...Yes, Yes, i know...be jealous.

Earnest, Kanye, Lupe, & Pharrell

Today was off the hook. I woke up around 9, went to B of A, then to Lucky's to get flowers for Natalie, Lili, and Chris. Dylon and I went to the play "The Importance of Being Earnest" to watch the lovely, talented people in it. Whom, may I add, I love to death. To you all, I have one word...TALENTED. Damn, especially my babygirl Natalie. Whooohooo! Work it! Aha. Anyways, Dyl and I played Scrabble (Which i rule at) during the times when they weren't performing. So any challengers, besides Katie, hit me up. I'm geeunit.

Around 6, Jeff, Aniqua, Kaneeks, and I started our wonderful journey to the Kanye concert. We parked in a parking structure about 5 minutes or less from the HP which was totally far. But whatever. So we get it, find our seats, and its hella not full...which is a surprise because it's suppose to be a sold out concert. Lupe Fiasco came on and did his thang, which was really cool. He's so talented =D. Then it was a break to switch off stuff for NERD. During "Superstar" Aniqua, Kaneeks, and I went to buy a shirt. It was $40 for a shirt! They make HERRUH bank. So we go back, wait more, and then...The best part of the concert came. SKATEBOARD P niccuhs. He's so sexy. Damn, I wanna marry him. He sang "Lapdance, She wants to move, Rock Star Poser" and a couple of other songs. It was soooo sexy. At first Kanika didn't think he was sexy until she saw him and she changed her mind. That's what sexy things do to you =) aha. OMG they were soooo good! NERD in a whole. Next, Rhianna came on. Dissapointing, like last time at the BooBomb. She was a bit better but she needs to stop letting us sing and she needs to sing to us. But nonetheless, it's all good for the opening acts. We waited like half an hour for Kanye...

They opened up with Kanye laying on the floor of a "spaceship" and desert floors. It was so cool. He incorporated humor, life lessons, and his songs into one story line. It was amazing. I think anybody who didn't go should really really regret not buying tickets cause he was off the heezy. When he sang "Hey Mama" I was about to cry. He was really into it. I was too! But this white bitch was smoking hella next to me and she couldn't dance and kept coming into my space. I kept hinting her to move back by nudging her but oh well. Her high ass didn't comprehend. So I let her be, seeing that 4/20 is tomorrow (today right now.) It was sooo incredible!!!! I wouldn't have traded this concert for anything. Great line up. I hope NERD comes to town and does their own. Period.

FEVER

Today was cool. Got out of school super early like 10 and I went to Bella's for a bit. We did nothing, but she cooked for me. Stupid Cubby peed on my shoes. Oh well, good thing they weren't nice shoes. Anyways, so I left at 11 to go to my Dr's appointment and that went well. It's confirmed...I'm sick. So layoff for a while fellas. Hahaha. JK

I went to kick it with Dyl after I went to the doc's. It was fun. We did nothing, ate Togo's, went joy riding like racers do, and he owes me a new ass cause he kicked it so damn hard. Nigga's a gentleman and I realized he sucks fucking balls in spanish. But then I also realized, I'm really not that bad in spanish. "Biggie Smalls era muy negro tambien." lmao...don't ever say that, Dyl. It won't get you an "A" anywhere!

Romeo loved Juliet
Juliet she felt the same
When he put his arms around her
He said Julie baby your my flame
Now give me fever.

She's Slowly Emerging

I love you. You know that. And now it's clear and plain to see that we are really moving on and going onwards with it. Seems so artificial, this little seperation. I'm still not totally used to it. It still feels like I should be calling you more often, seeing you more often, and talking to you more often. As for you, I can tell that you are trying just as hard as me to make me happy, even though I killed you, emotionally. Yes, it breaks my heart. And I'm sure, as you also told me, that it breaks yours. You know a lot more than I tell you. You know what's going on with me even if I deny it. But the fact of the matter is, that we are best friends, so why do we have to change EVERYTHING? Why is it wrong to do the things we used to do together? Is going out considered wrong because of it. You know what I'm talking about... Cause eating dinner seems to be. And, I told you how I felt about it all. And no I am not "angry". I am simply trying to do the same as you---cope to the new changes that we have agreed to take part in. I am trying to be the same person, yet at teh same time, change the little things about me that you always told me were making me...weak. I guess in a sense, I am because I let those things get to me. But, for you and myself, I'm going to make myself strong, but this time...alone. I want to thank you for doing something that you did not agree with but supported me in. You taught me to do that...which brings me to my next discussion,

YOU. You know I'm talking to you. I confronted you about this already but I have a lot more to say. I trusted you and trusting people is a hard thing for me. You and your actions have given me the mentality that it's okay to hurt people. It's okay to tell your best friends secrets that your closest girl friend has told you. It's okay for you to sit there, and tell her that you "don't know what to say except 'sorry'" with a smirk on your face the whole time. The whole time I was looking at you, you made absolutely no eye contact. You looked like a different person. Someone that I dind't know. It's funny cause I really thought you were someone I could really trust. Now it's not that way because I have a reason to not trust you. But I will not do the same to you, I just want you to know. I'm not like that. You know, it took me guts to go to your house even if you were mad at me and ask you politely what you said. And it pisses me off that you lied...AGAIN, when I asked you if you told anyone. You lied until I told you to stop lying because I knew. Really, can't you just fess up? But then you did. And you know, I stayed freaking calm the whole time which is very unlike me, especially when someone tells someone my secret and paints a portrait of me that is not me. You painted a piece of shit when I'm really not like that. Speaking of paintings, maybe you can give me my birthday present the way you percieve me. Oh, you know it wasn't beneficial to me, I did it to help you out, which makes YOU seem like a fool. And telling people the way you did, make you seem like a bigger fool. But it was okay to me, because I can't go back and change what you did. All i can do is accept your apology and move on with my life. It's just a ditch in my road, and I'm not about to let YOU chip off the pavement.

But I want to thank you for confirming that people are full of shit and they should never be trusted, even if their facade of the perfect friend is apparent and overriding your thoughts of "Oh, this person is like every other. I'll give them a chance." You are truly, truly, one in a million. Oh, and thanks for making me realize, I'm pretty much a great motherfucking friend and that I would never ever do what you have done to me to anybody. It's not worth it in any way.

It's a Little Funny..

You know, you'd think that senior year is drama free. You'd think that you'd try to continue walking on the same path even after something flew and smacked you right smack dab in the middle of your face. I must admit, senior drama is more mature...I guess. You say things differently, and you really think before you say stuff. You also just kinda really wanna get over it as soon as you can especially cause your year is almost over.

But it's a little funny that you can't get passed it. You're still walking blindly on the same damn path but with twists and turns into ditches and off pavements. It's funny that you care so much about it that you can't let go. You let every little thing get to you, when some of it can be avoided. It's killing me...it really is. "Why can't we all just be friends?" the old cliche goes...

So why can't we all be friends? Why is there always that presence of jealousy or a lingering feeling of replacement when a friend talk to another friend? Why is there always that hatred that comes along when somebody does something wrong to somebody thats not even you? Why can't we just say "That's her personality. If she wants to do it, that's her and she'll pay up later?"

But its a little funny that we can't say that because we're so stuck in our little world of hate, war, and violence. You may think that you're the best person and you don't say any of it...but you have. You've said it whether it be in your head, or on paper. It's really all the same feeling. But I guess it's only human nature.

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I told you today that I lost total respect for you...that you've been lying to all of us. And in my perspective, you have. Not only am I saying it because I have no proof, but because I want you to realize what you have become. You're so different...you're so twisted up in your bubble of happiness that will soon be over... And then it makes me think, will she stay with you longer now because we're all telling her she wont last with you? But when I really think about it, I still love you and I still do somewhat have respect for you because you've always been there for me. Well...most of the time. And I know you feel me and where I'm comin' from, yet I can't imagine where you're coming from? But you know how I truly feel about this. I've told you more than once. You're still my fat boy. Just a little .... blinder---if thats a word.

Nonetheless, it's your decision. It's your life. Who are we to say what you should do with your life? But I guess it's cause we just really really really care about you....Hopefully, you can see past all the poison and see that.

Evil Urges

I want to ruin your life.
I want to scare the shit out of you.
I want to knock you out.
I want to bitch slap you.
I want to....

But these are only urges that will remain in my mind. I will prevent them because I dont' want to hurt others because of my urges. Hopefully, my urges don't become reality when you piss the fuck outta me.

Everyone knows I have a super bad temper. I'm not braggin about it and I'm workin on it, but in this situation, I will stop at nothing to get peace and clarity with myself.

The Way Friendship Works

Yesterday, I had cotillion practice for Chels. Huy is hella funny and i'm super satisfied that he's my partner. I left around 130 to go to dance cause we had a performance at Lunardi's. When we were there, J called me and told me he was in the hospital. "Stop fucking around!" I said...which later on seemed stupid to say, especially cause he wasn't lying. So after our performance, Daisy and I went to the hospital to visit him. He was laying there in his cute little pediatric room with all his boyfriends. We sat there and talked for a half an hour. I was telling him stupid secrets and then he wanted to tell me one. Then it came out...the worst news ever, and I pretty much teared up.

Now, when you have a close friend, you need to treat them right. You also need to support them in most everything they choose to do. Though you, yourself, believes its the worst decision and you do anything in your power to stop it, you can't. You can't because it's his life. You can't protect him forever. And if he's willing to take that chance to experience what he experienced two times before, let it be. I cried so hard. Now looking back, I thought I was stupid for crying, but I wasn't. I cried because my friend seemed as if he did not want to hear anything I was saying. He just layed there as we yelled at him. Yeah he was pretty sedated, but he stared blanklessly and speechless.

I was so upset. We just left without a last "goodbye". When we were driving home, I began to think. Thinking that we could not go and be hypocritical about this situation. That we were still his friends through whatever. And that we weren't gonna be the people to tear down his throne of happiness. We weren't gonna hurt him like he hurt us. We weren't gonna agree with it. We didn't want to support him. But when you have a friend as close as we were, we had to let him do whatever he wanted.

Texted him this morning, telling him how much I missed him and how unhappy I was. But I will support him in his decision but will NEVER EVER agree with it. I told him I loved him and that was it. .. But babylove, I want you to know, your decision is hurting EVERYBODY, whether they tell you or not. It's especially hurting yourself. I'm sorry you made your decision.

And now...If ANYBODY hurts him, I will, and I promise, will knock them out and wish they never fucked with him. But don't let that scare you cause i'm only 4'11. And keep on doing what you're doing, cause at the end, we'll all see the real you.

It's Really Tearin' Up My Heart

Damn, if only I could tell you what happened. If I could only tell you all the times that I have done wrong. There are things that you can take from me because we're friends, but there are others that friends as close as us can't handle. My mind wants me to speak out. But if I do, everything will be over between us. Our friendship will be burned in the flames of hell. It's driving me crazy. Now I really know what it means for somthing to break your heart.