I want to ruin your life.
I want to scare the shit out of you.
I want to knock you out.
I want to bitch slap you.
I want to....
But these are only urges that will remain in my mind. I will prevent them because I dont' want to hurt others because of my urges. Hopefully, my urges don't become reality when you piss the fuck outta me.
Everyone knows I have a super bad temper. I'm not braggin about it and I'm workin on it, but in this situation, I will stop at nothing to get peace and clarity with myself.
Monday, April 7, 2008
Sunday, April 6, 2008
The Way Friendship Works
Yesterday, I had cotillion practice for Chels. Huy is hella funny and i'm super satisfied that he's my partner. I left around 130 to go to dance cause we had a performance at Lunardi's. When we were there, J called me and told me he was in the hospital. "Stop fucking around!" I said...which later on seemed stupid to say, especially cause he wasn't lying. So after our performance, Daisy and I went to the hospital to visit him. He was laying there in his cute little pediatric room with all his boyfriends. We sat there and talked for a half an hour. I was telling him stupid secrets and then he wanted to tell me one. Then it came out...the worst news ever, and I pretty much teared up.
Now, when you have a close friend, you need to treat them right. You also need to support them in most everything they choose to do. Though you, yourself, believes its the worst decision and you do anything in your power to stop it, you can't. You can't because it's his life. You can't protect him forever. And if he's willing to take that chance to experience what he experienced two times before, let it be. I cried so hard. Now looking back, I thought I was stupid for crying, but I wasn't. I cried because my friend seemed as if he did not want to hear anything I was saying. He just layed there as we yelled at him. Yeah he was pretty sedated, but he stared blanklessly and speechless.
I was so upset. We just left without a last "goodbye". When we were driving home, I began to think. Thinking that we could not go and be hypocritical about this situation. That we were still his friends through whatever. And that we weren't gonna be the people to tear down his throne of happiness. We weren't gonna hurt him like he hurt us. We weren't gonna agree with it. We didn't want to support him. But when you have a friend as close as we were, we had to let him do whatever he wanted.
Texted him this morning, telling him how much I missed him and how unhappy I was. But I will support him in his decision but will NEVER EVER agree with it. I told him I loved him and that was it. .. But babylove, I want you to know, your decision is hurting EVERYBODY, whether they tell you or not. It's especially hurting yourself. I'm sorry you made your decision.
And now...If ANYBODY hurts him, I will, and I promise, will knock them out and wish they never fucked with him. But don't let that scare you cause i'm only 4'11. And keep on doing what you're doing, cause at the end, we'll all see the real you.
Now, when you have a close friend, you need to treat them right. You also need to support them in most everything they choose to do. Though you, yourself, believes its the worst decision and you do anything in your power to stop it, you can't. You can't because it's his life. You can't protect him forever. And if he's willing to take that chance to experience what he experienced two times before, let it be. I cried so hard. Now looking back, I thought I was stupid for crying, but I wasn't. I cried because my friend seemed as if he did not want to hear anything I was saying. He just layed there as we yelled at him. Yeah he was pretty sedated, but he stared blanklessly and speechless.
I was so upset. We just left without a last "goodbye". When we were driving home, I began to think. Thinking that we could not go and be hypocritical about this situation. That we were still his friends through whatever. And that we weren't gonna be the people to tear down his throne of happiness. We weren't gonna hurt him like he hurt us. We weren't gonna agree with it. We didn't want to support him. But when you have a friend as close as we were, we had to let him do whatever he wanted.
Texted him this morning, telling him how much I missed him and how unhappy I was. But I will support him in his decision but will NEVER EVER agree with it. I told him I loved him and that was it. .. But babylove, I want you to know, your decision is hurting EVERYBODY, whether they tell you or not. It's especially hurting yourself. I'm sorry you made your decision.
And now...If ANYBODY hurts him, I will, and I promise, will knock them out and wish they never fucked with him. But don't let that scare you cause i'm only 4'11. And keep on doing what you're doing, cause at the end, we'll all see the real you.
Tuesday, April 1, 2008
It's Really Tearin' Up My Heart
Damn, if only I could tell you what happened. If I could only tell you all the times that I have done wrong. There are things that you can take from me because we're friends, but there are others that friends as close as us can't handle. My mind wants me to speak out. But if I do, everything will be over between us. Our friendship will be burned in the flames of hell. It's driving me crazy. Now I really know what it means for somthing to break your heart.
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